Miss Like Crazy

I don't think I'll get through writing this without crying, so if it gets confusing, I'm sorry.

~*~*~

Around 3 years ago, I was excited. Not just a little excited, though. I was super excited because a family that we had been praying for so long had finally gotten saved. First the parents, then all the kids. Then they got baptized!

I don't know how many nights I had stayed up, crying and praying for them, begging God to show them His love in the months that everything was going on. I remember laying in my bed, listening to my parents witness to these people and telling God that I knew something good would come out of it, even if it was just one of them to get saved. I had many sleepless nights, but I didn't care about it as long as they were listening.

Something happened though. He decided he was going to Bible school. When they first told this, I didn't want to believe it. I wanted them to stay close. They were at our house so much and they were like family. The night they left, I sat on my bed on the top bunk and cried until I had no more tears to cry. I wanted them to still live close and 3 hours away was too far.

They left in August that year and came to visit a few times, but in the coming January, they came for a surprise visit. It was, and might always be, the best surprise ever. Nobody knew they were coming and when I opened the door and saw them, it didn't really click, but then once it did... I screamed and cried and jumped up and down. I had missed them so much and I just couldn't believe they were at our house.

In April, 2 years ago, we moved to the area. I was sad to be leaving the home I'd known for so many years, but I was excited because I was getting to be able to explore a bit and be close to them again. They were one of the reasons, I think, that it never really hit me we were 3 hours from where I'd called home for 13 years. It wasn't for a few months that it finally hit, but even then it wasn't so bad.

Now, some stuff has happened. I don't really know what, but we don't talk anymore. And I thought that nothing would ever stop us from talking. It's been a year now. I miss her hugs and our talks. She was always there for me and I knew if I ever needed anything, she would be there. But she's not anymore. I still see her around and stuff, but every time I do it makes me miss her a lot.

I wish that the last few months she had been around. I might have listened to her instead of getting myself into the mess I got into. She probably would have told me that I needed to smarten up and that I had my head in the clouds. She would have been there when I got hurt and told me "I told you so." but wouldn't rub it in. She'd just be there for me.
She wasn't there, though. She only lived down the world, but she might as well live across the world and I wish she knew what went on. She would probably be mad at me, like everyone else, but it would be worth it just to talk to her.

She called me her girl and used a nickname for me that no one else has ever used. In a way, I still think of myself as her girl, even though she most likely doesn't. Nothing will ever stop me from loving her and her family. I miss them like crazy and I love them.

To her: If you ever read this, I hope you know how much I wish things were different. You are always in my heart and mind and I pray for you and your family. I just wish I knew what it was that created it....

~*~*~

Hopefully that makes sense. My head is all jumbled and my thoughts aren't coming out right. But that's what's on my mind right now.

Bothering

   Everyone wants to know what’s bothering me. For once, it has absolutely nothing to do with a guy.

   First: College.

   It seems like everywhere I turn someone is asking something about it and I give them all the same answer: “I don’t know right now.”

   I honestly don’t know. I don’t really want to go to college once I graduate. I don’t even know if I want to go a few years down the road. I really don’t have any interest in it at the moment.

   Second: Music.

   I love my music and that’s pretty much all I want to do. It makes me happy and I love singing, but getting up on stage to sing in church alone scares me. It always has.

   I never use the word ‘if’ any time I talk about music. It’s always been a ‘when’ for me. I love this quote someone once said: ‘If’ is a dream and ‘when’ is a goal. My goal is to get into singing and I know I can do it if I try hard enough.

   Third: Siblings friends.

   I’m not trying to steal my sibling’s friends, even though that’s what they seem to think I’m doing. Yes, I like being around their friends, but they aren't mine. I never got that ‘best-friend’ like my sisters have, and since they have one, I’m not going to do anything to change that or stop it.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart…

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and He shall direct thy paths.

Proverbs 3: 5a, 6

Future and Trusting God

Let's say my name is "Shawn Hunter". My two friends... let's call them "Cory Matthews" and "Topanga Lawrence".

See, I'm that one that believed that no matter what, Cory and Topanga would be together in the end. I thought I was, anyway. Now, I don't even think that anymore. Do you know how much that stinks? Being the only one that believes that two people will be together in the end, and they don't even believe it?

I've been there for Cory and Topanga through a lot. I was the one who first got them together, and the reason they "broke up", and then I was the go-between for over a year.

Now, they both say it's over completely and nothing with work. They're finished with each other, and by the looks of things, with their friendship too. I hate it. I want to be the best friend I can be, but it hurts knowing these two are finished.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? Where you still want to believe, but you feel like there's no hope? I still want to have that tiny hope, but I know it's over.

In the TV Series, Boy Meets World, Shawn believed that Cory and Topanga would be together in the end no matter what, and he did everything in his power to get them back together. I did and I feel like I failed, but I know I didn't. It's just growing up. And I know my two friends are growing up, whether I like it or not.

I just have to keep remembering this verse:

John 14:1a ~ Let not your heart be troubled:

And this one:

Proverbs 3:5-6 ~ Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

As long as I keep remembering those verses, I should be able to get through this. And maybe, just maybe, learn something else while doing so.

Choose Today

June 24, 2008

On this day, 4 years ago, I was sitting on my couch and staring at the wall. My close neighbor had just told me her best friend, Mary*, was the one who died in the car accident. I was shocked. I had just hung out with her 2 days before at my friend's house for a birthday party. And now she was dead.

That was one of the times in my life I felt like I had failed. I remember laying in bed that night and asking God why He let her die.
Why, when she had just told me the day of the party she was thinking about what we talked about.
Why He never let me see her again to ask what she decided.
Why my friend had to go through this.

A few weeks later, I was talking with Mary's sister, Rachael*, who had come to pick up some of Mary's things she'd left at my neighbors house.
We were sitting in the front yard of my house and she looked at me, tears filling her eyes, and she asked me, "You told me a few months ago that God has a plan for everything. Is this part of his plan?"

I remember looking at her and asking God what to answer. All I ended up answering was, "Yes."

"If that's the kind of man God is, why didn't He let us know she was going to die? Why didn't I get to say goodbye?" She asked and wiped her eyes.

"Because God doesn't always do what we want Him to do. He can take away the most important thing in our life just to prove how big He is. He has a reason for everything."

"If that's the way He is, I want nothing to do with Him." Rachael got up and left.

I didn't understand it either. Mary was only 16. She hadn't even finished high school yet. She wanted to be a nurse. She had a family who loved her.
But God had bigger plans.
He used that to show me that sometimes, even when we try as hard as we can, people don't listen. They'll take the chance and put it off one more day.
There's just one problem with that: You might not get another day. You might be like Mary, thinking you have another day to choose, but never get it.

It's like a garden. You can plant the seeds, but you have no idea when they will sprout. Or even if they'll sprout.

Choose today. Don't take the chance. Live for Christ. You won't regret it.

*Named changed

T1D

"You're not normal. And you never will be."

I remember so many things, but not much from before I was around 7. Some things I just suddenly remember, and it's like it happened yesterday. Like that one.

I was 12 when I was first told that. It was a week after my birthday and I stared at the person who said it. 
It wasn't that it hurt a lot. I'd know this for a while, but hadn't ever heard someone say it directly to me.
Sure, I'd heard people say it in passing, like, "That girl is not normal," but just in teasing.
It was the fact that they were saying it for me to hear that I was upset and hurt about. They truly believed it.

Even years later, I can still see the look on one of my friends face. She was horrified. 

"I am to normal." I told him. I didn't believe it, though. I still don't believe it. And I know it's true.

He shook his head. "You will never be normal. There will never be a cure. Believe it as you might, you'll live with this your whole life. And when you're older, no guy will ever want to take on that responsibility of you. It's too much work."

The truth is, I'm not normal. I haven't been for years. I have Type 1 diabetes. 
You might not think I'm any different than you when you look at me, but it's true.

Things about T1D/me that you might not know:
1) I'm not contagious.
2) I didn't get it by eating a lot of sugar.
3) I have to put needles of insulin in my body (arms, stomach, legs) 4-6 times a day.
4) I have to draw blood from my finger 5-8 times a day. 
5) I sometimes have the fear of falling asleep at night and not waking up because I might bottom and go into a coma.
6) I might loose my eyesight if I'm not careful.
7) I've lived with this for almost 15 years.
8) I don't have to eat certain things. I can go to a potluck and eat a bunch, as long as I keep track of what I eat so I can give myself insulin for it.
9) I have spots on my fingers from all the needles I've put in them.
10) I'm not gonna die.

I'm not normal, but in God's eyes I am. I'm His princess and He loves me just as I am. He made me this way for a reason. He has a purpose for it. I just don't know the purpose yet.

No matter what disease or invisible illness you have or what problem you have, God can use that to draw people close to Him through you. Just be patient.

God is preparing us for a purpose in His plans in some place, but we have to be patient while we wait. It may not be for years, but He has big plans.

He is preparing us. 
For His purpose. 
For His plans. 
In some place in the world.
Watching us as we wait patiently for Him to make it clear.

It's Up To You

Song I wrote the first weekend in May:

Verse 1:
You’re standing there, watching Him walk the road
Quiet as can be, you wanna speak and let them know
He’s innocent, He has never done wrong
Now you’re watching Him, be hung

Chorus 1:
You can’t change this, it’ll happen, y’know
He’s doing this to save you, if you choose to go
To Him, tell Him you need his forgiveness
You can’t keep going on this way
Just come to Him, He will save you from your sins
He will let you enter in
It’s up to you

Verse 2:
You’re watching him, as He slowly fades away
Crying in the crowd, hoping they will hear you say
“He’s innocent! He has done no wrong!
But we watch Him, be hung.”

Chorus 2:
We can’t change this, it’ll happen, y’know
He’s doing this to save us, if we choose to go
To Him, tell Him we need his forgiveness
We can’t keep going on this way
Just come to Him, He will save us from your sins
He will let us enter in

Three days later, He arose for us to live

We can go to Him and He will forgive

Us all, we can be with Him one day

And He will say

Chorus 3:
“You couldn’t change this, it had to happen, y’see
I did this to save you, if you choose to come
To Me, tell Me you need his forgiveness
That you can’t keep going on this way
Just come to Me, I will save you from your sins
I will let you enter in
But it’s up to you
You have to choose
One way or another, what will you do?
It’s up to you.”

© 2012 Jenneniah Olmstead

Qualifications

I made a list of qualifications for me about the kind of guy I should be looking for. I've made some mistakes recently, and had I had this list before, it would have helped me a lot. Some of the points can be altered, but there are some that can't be. Always make sure, girls, that the guy you go for is saved and even if he says he is, watch, because he may not be and just saying he is to get to you.

The bottom part are ones that I have for just me. The ones up on the first section are ones that all girls should think of.

QUALIFICATIONS

®       MUST BE SAVED

®       Will love God MORE than me

®       Must love and respect my family

®       Will not lie or manipulate me

®       Will be my best-friend

®       Will keep studying me. High-school Degree, College Degree, Master’s Degree, Doctorate. (Fireproof)

®       Will pray and read the Bible with me

®       Must love me for who I am

®       Must respect and listen to me

®       Must prove himself

®       MUST PURSUE

®       Must seek council and listen to other’s

®       Will make me laugh and smile even when I don’t want to

®       Will make me happy almost all the time

®       Will do everything to help me reach my dreams

®       Must love kids

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

®       Will sing with me

®       Will play with my hair

®       Will be tall

®       Will like country music

®       Will want to take spur of the moment trips

®       Will watch movies late at night with me

®       Will make me hot chocolate

®       Will want to read what I write

®       Will want to cook/bake with me

®       Will not want a lot of animals

®       Will have a license/own a vehicle/know how to drive

®       Will not be camera shy

If you can think of more, feel free to comment. I'd love to hear what all you think. And if you're a Christian guy, this should help you. :)

***(And, thank you to the guy who took my advice and showed the girl this blog and got the girl! You two are awesome and can't wait to talk more! Remember to keep Christ the center of it all!)

Music: Money or Ministry?

I love music. Ever since I was little, I can remember wanting to get into Christian music and tour the world. At 16, I got my first guitar and took lessons for 4 months.

When I was 14, I decided that I wanted to get into Christian music. For the money. I wanted to be rich and famous. I wanted to be able to just hop on a plane and go somewhere.

I realize now how wrong that is. It should never be about the money. It should always be about Christ.

When I was 12, I was chatting with a girl from my church(who had the most amazing voice and when she sang, and you soaked in what she sang), and I asked her why she didn’t go into a career in music.

You know what her answer was? She didn’t want to care about the money. She just wanted to sing to glorify God and that was all that mattered to her. She just wanted to be a regular teenager for the time.

I remembered what she said when I was 16 and started learning guitar. I no longer wanted to get into music for the money. I want to get into it for the ministry.

I want to sing and write songs to glorify God and no one else. I want to sing songs that help strengthen someone’s walk with the Lord and strengthen them.

I do care a bit about money because I will need something to live on. I would live to move to Tennessee to get started, but if I can’t, I’m happy to start out here.

I see so many Christian artists that only care about the money and how much they are making and how the can go anywhere they want. I don’t want to be like them. I want people to know that I’m in it for Christ and no one else.

So, that’s it. Yes, I still want to get into music sometime in the future. Yes, I would like to make some money to support myself. But no, I would not like to be rich and famous and be able to fly anywhere, anymore.

It may not be for a couple years. Who knows, it may never happen. But if it does, those that influenced me in choosing the path will never be forgotten. From the person who first got me into music, to the person who is into music and has encouraged me a lot.

But know this: I just want to be closer to Christ.

Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. ~ 1 Corinthians 10:31