Miss Like Crazy

I don't think I'll get through writing this without crying, so if it gets confusing, I'm sorry.

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Around 3 years ago, I was excited. Not just a little excited, though. I was super excited because a family that we had been praying for so long had finally gotten saved. First the parents, then all the kids. Then they got baptized!

I don't know how many nights I had stayed up, crying and praying for them, begging God to show them His love in the months that everything was going on. I remember laying in my bed, listening to my parents witness to these people and telling God that I knew something good would come out of it, even if it was just one of them to get saved. I had many sleepless nights, but I didn't care about it as long as they were listening.

Something happened though. He decided he was going to Bible school. When they first told this, I didn't want to believe it. I wanted them to stay close. They were at our house so much and they were like family. The night they left, I sat on my bed on the top bunk and cried until I had no more tears to cry. I wanted them to still live close and 3 hours away was too far.

They left in August that year and came to visit a few times, but in the coming January, they came for a surprise visit. It was, and might always be, the best surprise ever. Nobody knew they were coming and when I opened the door and saw them, it didn't really click, but then once it did... I screamed and cried and jumped up and down. I had missed them so much and I just couldn't believe they were at our house.

In April, 2 years ago, we moved to the area. I was sad to be leaving the home I'd known for so many years, but I was excited because I was getting to be able to explore a bit and be close to them again. They were one of the reasons, I think, that it never really hit me we were 3 hours from where I'd called home for 13 years. It wasn't for a few months that it finally hit, but even then it wasn't so bad.

Now, some stuff has happened. I don't really know what, but we don't talk anymore. And I thought that nothing would ever stop us from talking. It's been a year now. I miss her hugs and our talks. She was always there for me and I knew if I ever needed anything, she would be there. But she's not anymore. I still see her around and stuff, but every time I do it makes me miss her a lot.

I wish that the last few months she had been around. I might have listened to her instead of getting myself into the mess I got into. She probably would have told me that I needed to smarten up and that I had my head in the clouds. She would have been there when I got hurt and told me "I told you so." but wouldn't rub it in. She'd just be there for me.
She wasn't there, though. She only lived down the world, but she might as well live across the world and I wish she knew what went on. She would probably be mad at me, like everyone else, but it would be worth it just to talk to her.

She called me her girl and used a nickname for me that no one else has ever used. In a way, I still think of myself as her girl, even though she most likely doesn't. Nothing will ever stop me from loving her and her family. I miss them like crazy and I love them.

To her: If you ever read this, I hope you know how much I wish things were different. You are always in my heart and mind and I pray for you and your family. I just wish I knew what it was that created it....

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Hopefully that makes sense. My head is all jumbled and my thoughts aren't coming out right. But that's what's on my mind right now.

Bothering

   Everyone wants to know what’s bothering me. For once, it has absolutely nothing to do with a guy.

   First: College.

   It seems like everywhere I turn someone is asking something about it and I give them all the same answer: “I don’t know right now.”

   I honestly don’t know. I don’t really want to go to college once I graduate. I don’t even know if I want to go a few years down the road. I really don’t have any interest in it at the moment.

   Second: Music.

   I love my music and that’s pretty much all I want to do. It makes me happy and I love singing, but getting up on stage to sing in church alone scares me. It always has.

   I never use the word ‘if’ any time I talk about music. It’s always been a ‘when’ for me. I love this quote someone once said: ‘If’ is a dream and ‘when’ is a goal. My goal is to get into singing and I know I can do it if I try hard enough.

   Third: Siblings friends.

   I’m not trying to steal my sibling’s friends, even though that’s what they seem to think I’m doing. Yes, I like being around their friends, but they aren't mine. I never got that ‘best-friend’ like my sisters have, and since they have one, I’m not going to do anything to change that or stop it.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart…

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and He shall direct thy paths.

Proverbs 3: 5a, 6

Future and Trusting God

Let's say my name is "Shawn Hunter". My two friends... let's call them "Cory Matthews" and "Topanga Lawrence".

See, I'm that one that believed that no matter what, Cory and Topanga would be together in the end. I thought I was, anyway. Now, I don't even think that anymore. Do you know how much that stinks? Being the only one that believes that two people will be together in the end, and they don't even believe it?

I've been there for Cory and Topanga through a lot. I was the one who first got them together, and the reason they "broke up", and then I was the go-between for over a year.

Now, they both say it's over completely and nothing with work. They're finished with each other, and by the looks of things, with their friendship too. I hate it. I want to be the best friend I can be, but it hurts knowing these two are finished.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? Where you still want to believe, but you feel like there's no hope? I still want to have that tiny hope, but I know it's over.

In the TV Series, Boy Meets World, Shawn believed that Cory and Topanga would be together in the end no matter what, and he did everything in his power to get them back together. I did and I feel like I failed, but I know I didn't. It's just growing up. And I know my two friends are growing up, whether I like it or not.

I just have to keep remembering this verse:

John 14:1a ~ Let not your heart be troubled:

And this one:

Proverbs 3:5-6 ~ Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

As long as I keep remembering those verses, I should be able to get through this. And maybe, just maybe, learn something else while doing so.

Music: Money or Ministry?

I love music. Ever since I was little, I can remember wanting to get into Christian music and tour the world. At 16, I got my first guitar and took lessons for 4 months.

When I was 14, I decided that I wanted to get into Christian music. For the money. I wanted to be rich and famous. I wanted to be able to just hop on a plane and go somewhere.

I realize now how wrong that is. It should never be about the money. It should always be about Christ.

When I was 12, I was chatting with a girl from my church(who had the most amazing voice and when she sang, and you soaked in what she sang), and I asked her why she didn’t go into a career in music.

You know what her answer was? She didn’t want to care about the money. She just wanted to sing to glorify God and that was all that mattered to her. She just wanted to be a regular teenager for the time.

I remembered what she said when I was 16 and started learning guitar. I no longer wanted to get into music for the money. I want to get into it for the ministry.

I want to sing and write songs to glorify God and no one else. I want to sing songs that help strengthen someone’s walk with the Lord and strengthen them.

I do care a bit about money because I will need something to live on. I would live to move to Tennessee to get started, but if I can’t, I’m happy to start out here.

I see so many Christian artists that only care about the money and how much they are making and how the can go anywhere they want. I don’t want to be like them. I want people to know that I’m in it for Christ and no one else.

So, that’s it. Yes, I still want to get into music sometime in the future. Yes, I would like to make some money to support myself. But no, I would not like to be rich and famous and be able to fly anywhere, anymore.

It may not be for a couple years. Who knows, it may never happen. But if it does, those that influenced me in choosing the path will never be forgotten. From the person who first got me into music, to the person who is into music and has encouraged me a lot.

But know this: I just want to be closer to Christ.

Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. ~ 1 Corinthians 10:31